Omnomnomnom...

I will start this off by saying do not read this if you are very easily offended or scarred. This post may contain some disturbing images / mental images that will be impossible to remove from your brain afterward. I'm all out of brain bleach so I can't help you there.

You know, I keep trying to tell myself not to be surprised when something new and insane comes up. You see, every time I say "That's the dumbest/weirdest/craziest/most moronic/insane/etc. thing I have ever seen!", someone always ends up topping it. Always. So I try to tell myself that I am going to stop being so surprised by these things and just shrug and think to myself "Self, that may have topped the WTF meter for now, and you may have the urge to be astonished by this, but save your energy! Something far more 'astonishing' will occur very soon!" It usually fails, and at least for a short period of time I am completely amazed by whatever it was I heard/seen.  It's like I'd never had that conversation with myself before.  It's kind of like the time my wonderful Mumsie (love you mom!) talked me into getting a perm years ago. I personally hate the way my hair looks with a perm, and how it looks on me. I don't even know how to describe it (and no I'm not posting pictures!! lol). So fast forward to a year and a half ago. I was complaining about how flat and fine and blah my hair is to my mom. Literally, most of the time I could (could... but don't) spend like... two hours on my hair.  Fifteen minutes later it's all flat and blah again. So I'm talking to my mom about my blah hair and she's like "Hey! You should get a perm! It'll add more body and stuff to your hair!" and I was like "OMG this is a great idea!" completely forgetting about how much I hated the way my hair looked on me permed years ago.  I make an appointment, and no sooner than the relaxer is done and the curlers are out of my hair I'm like "Fuuuuuuuuuccckkkkkk..." it all came flooding back to me. I told my new hair lady about this, and made her take a blood oath that if I ever even mentioned the word perm she'd bitchslap some sense into me and remind me of why I will never ever again get a perm.

I mean, in my mere 32 years on this planet so far I've come across some pretty strange/weird/moronic/stupid/insane things.  Things like this pastor lady who (likely) stiffed a waitress, the iPotty, and many other odd people, things, doodads or thingymajigs. I totally had this huge list in my head of messed up stuff too.  This whole blog post actually was in my head, ready to type up and ready to go. But as I sat down and got to this part where I was going to name a bunch of "WTF" stuff my mind went totally blank.  It may be still scarred from what I seen, and knew about the photo I was about to attach and ran away into hiding or witness protection or something. I have no idea.  My brain sort of just does its own thing, like it has a mind of its own or something.

Anyways...

I was reading a list earlier (ok a while back, I had this topic saved and was going to publish this months ago but some real life stuff happened and I put my writing on hold, yeah yeah I know I gotta stop that) of "what not to get your man for Single's Awareness Day (the list, unfortunately I may have accidentally closed when I opened up the link to the following, so unfortunately I do not have the list)... er I mean Valentine's day and one of the items on the list just really triggered the WTF factor for me. DIY Edible Meat Underwear...

Yes you read that right.  Edible. Brief. Freaking. Jerky. Underwear.  Now this is supposedly a different pattern from what is on the DIY site, but it's the only photo of the completed project on an actual living, breathing human model. At least I think he's breathing? Or maybe he's afraid to I'm not so sure. I am enclosing the picture on the blog so you can be mentally scarred just like I am. Hey, why should I be the only one to suffer?

Now, I am not a guy at all.  I'm a woman.  I have ta-tas and a vagina.  I have never had a penis attached to my body in any way, shape or form. I was born a woman and always have been.  So keep this in mind while I speak on this... creation.  I do not know what it's like to have a penis or balls attached to my body, so I'm purely guessing here.

I imagine the reason there was only one shot available of these puppies on a live human model is because they look uncomfortable as hell.  I mean that is either one very hairy and manly woman, or that dude's junk is so smashed up against his body he might have to call in the jaws of life just to free willy and friends, or the poor guy just has not been blessed at all in the male equipment department.  I'm not sure which of the above it is, but either way there's no way in hell that can actually be comfortable.  I'm fairly certain his "buddies" are singing for liberation from their new found prison. So there's strike one.

Strike two, and maybe it's just me but, I'm not really too awful fond of the idea of part of a dead animal carcass pressed up against my hoo-hah, so I'd imagine the idea would kind of go the same way for guys?  I mean, a man's "boys" are typically one of his most favorite and most protected things in his life correct?  Meat is part of an animal... usually. Who would want a dead, dried animal all over their goods?  Perhaps men don't really think about stuff like this.  Perhaps most "normal" people don't either.  But I digress (I seem to do that alot)...  Either way, the idea grosses me out.

I mean, I see the purpose is supposed to be along the idea of... grabbin' a snack... before you snack. Like "Yo lady, I heard you like snacks, so I made this snack so you can snack before you snack and while you snack"... or something.  Which would be great and all, but have you gnawed on a piece of beef jerky? I mean really. It's not like normal food where you can chomp it down in a few bites. It can take up to five minutes to chew through a small piece of beef jerky... so can you imagine how long it would take to gnaw this off your man so you can get to his goods for sexy fun time??  By the time you get the boys freed, I'm fairly certain you'll probably have lock jaw, and he's either passed out or terrified (more on that later).

"unneh... eye aww... eye 'ant o-en or ose eye awww!!"  (That is lock-jaw speak for "Hunny! My jaw!  I can't open or close my jaw!!!)

I imagine it's not very... "airy" either... so his junk by then is probably all sweaty and stuff by the time you eat through enough to get them off and get to the goods.  I suppose a plus is... hey his "goods" now taste like beef jerky instead of... normal more au naturale umm... flavoring??? So the amount of time this would take is also a factor, unless you have some sort of super top secret prototype chompers capable of devouring the toughest of beef jerky in a few easy bites... which brings me to the following...

Speaking of gnawing... (and this brings me to strike three) what man on earth would want a woman gnawing aggressively on this "brief jerky" contraption, trying to get it off while so close to his boys?  One wrong misplaced chomp? I dunno, but I'd be pretty nervous about someone chewing with that much force near my goods.  It may be difficult to actually "misbite" something, I don't know, but... you know what... I am going to save you from any farther emotional scarring by describing all of these crazy mental images I have.  I'm sure you may possibly be scarred enough as is, and I've already put way so much thought into this it even scares me! See how nice of a person I am?  Here I am suffering and I'm sparing you from doing any more of the same.