Ten Things I Envy About Men

Ok so I've been sitting here for a bit now thinking about how if I just found a groove, I could do more writing.  But alas, my mind has been so occupied I've been devoid of inspiration.  But I hath found it!  Perhaps if I did more searching...

One of my friends had linked on Facebook an article which lead me to this link called 10 Moments As A Man That Make Me Envious of Women.  I found it to be rather interesting and humorous, and it did remind me of a few reasons I am glad I'm a woman.  I would have added a few to that perhaps, but it wasn't my list.  It did, however, make me think about things I envy about men.  And since I did get a little "Yay I'm a woman!" boost, I figured, why not?!?!  I did enlist some help from my friends on Facebook as I was drawing a blank near the end of my list, but ask anyone that knows me... I suck at lists.  Especially ones where I have to list things like "10 Facts You Didn't Know About Me!" or "Here's 10 Things That Go Through My Brain on a Daily Basis!".  Actually, that last one would be a lot longer.  More like 10 billion things that go through my brain on a daily basis.  But I digress.  Here's some things I envy about you male folk (in no particular order)...

1.  You can go out in public topless and not get arrested.  Yes I'm sure most of you guys are like "But Nikki, I would have zero objections to women walking around topless in public!  And that's cool and all, but we get arrested for indecent exposure or some shit.  It's not fair!  Sometimes a girl just wants to be free, ya know?

2.  You can pee anywhere / while standing / draw your name in the snow.  I'm not sure if you realize exactly just how convenient it is to be like "Oh man, I gotta pee!" and just pull over to the side of the road, hide behind a bush or tree or something and just whip it out, shake it off and just go.  Do you really have any idea how difficult it is for women?  I mean I know there are some women who have mastered the art, and there's even devices to help women do so (no really, there is actually items sold on the market to help women pee standing up).  But otherwise we gotta find somewhere to squat and perform a very delicate balancing act while making sure our clothing is out of the way of the stream, and find something to "dry off" with if no Kleenex or similar items are handy and pray it's not poison ivy or some shit.

3.  Belching and farting are acceptable forms of communication.  Sure there's some people who find anyone belching to be disgusting, but if a group of men engage in a chorus of harmonious aerophagia (excessive burping) and farts no one really bats an eye. If a woman or group of women were to do the same?  "Ugh how un-lady like is that?!?!?  Did you just HEAR HER?!?!  I mean, Oh. My. God!"

4.  Short hair.  Sure there are women who pull off short hair / pixie cuts / shaved heads and totally rock it out.  The number of women who can do so, however, is very very slim.  And I cannot for the life of me tell you exactly how many times I've said "UGH I wish I could just shave my head and be done with it!"  Fabulous hair is a lot of work, and I especially hate this because I am not the type of woman who enjoys spending 2 hours making sure every hair is in exactly the right spot before I leave the house. Plus, think of how much it would save on trips to the salon!  Grab one of those head shavy devices and off you go!  Voila!

5.  Speaking of hair... ya'll have much less to shave.  Buzz your hair or whatever, shave your face (if you even choose to do so) or trim the beard / 'stache. We practically shave half our bodies at least once a week if not more.  Well, probably except for winter time when we're single.  Not like the extra insulation really helps anyway.

6.  Ya'll don't have to worry about that "woman stuff."  For real.  Periods are not fun, and neither is going to the gyno or many forms of birth control.  I understand ya'll have some sort of secret support group for men who's women are "on the rag" where you all can go tell stories about how hormonal and bitchy your women get for that week out of the month.  I get it, I do.  I'm sure you've been bloated before and know how uncomfortable that is.  Now imagine that, and add to it headaches, bleeding and not dying for days straight, and feeling like Mike Tyson used your abdomen and kidneys as punching bags for that period of time, and on top of that you have no reasonable explanation as to why you're crying about the commercial on TV and it's just a cute puppy.  No, not one of those sad ASPCA puppy commercials, just a puppy.  Gyno visits aren't fun either.  I'll spare you the details unless you really want to know.

7.  Public "adjustment" draws much less attention.  Sure some people get put off by a dude adjusting his junk in public, but it typically doesn't draw too much attention.  A lot of times people will just look away. "Oh it's just some dude adjusting himself... adjust on bro!"  But if you're a woman, I'm sure you've felt the need to adjust the girls and you're out in public.  Or worse, the wire from your bra pokes out from the stitching and starts stabbing you in the ribs / under your arm / breastbone.  Suddenly it's like someone summoned a huge, bright light upon you and you're on stage, putting on a show for everyone in town.  *queue heavenly music* "Omg there's a chick playing with her tits man!!" or "Omg can you believe the nerve? How unladylike!!!"

8.  Employment diversity.  Now, before you get your boxers/briefs/thongs/mankinis/boxerbriefs in a bunch I do realize this works both ways... but for some reason it does seem slightly more acceptable for men to do a woman's job than it is for a woman to try to do a man's job.  And sometimes, I do understand the reasoning behind women not being accepted in certain jobs as readily.  Like... firefighting.  There should not be exceptions for women about the amount of dead weight you need to be able to carry... that could mean someone's life.  But what about  being an auto mechanic? Or a garbage lady? Or what if she wants to be one of those muscly body building type persons?!? I mean if she wants to be a female Arnold Swartz-howeveryouspellitI'mtoolazytolookituprightnow-ger... why is it such a big deal compared to if a guy wants to be a flight attendant?

 9.  The more chicks you sleep with, the higher your stud status.  Face it.  A dude sleeps with 100 chicks he's a stud, or "has game" or earns some super manly status above the rest, or "Alpha Status".  If a woman sleeps with 100 men though... she's a slut/whore/ho/tramp.  It's the same thing!!  What's with the double standard?  Why am I any less of a person if I go out and practice the horizontal polka with 50 dudes vs the guy who goes out there and does it with 50 women?

10.  I am NOT the father!  Ya'll can deny that shit.  Hell there's even an entire television show basically dedicated to whether or not someone is "the baby daddy" (If you've read any of my earlier blogs, you know I hate that term but it fits).  Ya'll can stick your penis pretty much anywhere and deny any consequences or it ever even going there. Some brag.  I mean I have a friend who I've known for YEARS who bragged about masturbating via the usage of a vehicular hose of radiating (he fucked a radiator hose to put it more simply, he shall remain anonymous unless he chooses not to be).  But until an actual paternity test is done, you can deny children.  Now, I'm not saying that I actually envy that because I think anyone who doesn't step up when they participated in creating a child is a worthless twat-waffle, but it's the fact that you can actually get away with it (at least for a little while).  Women can't do that.  Either you got pregnant or you didn't.  You either squeezed a watermelon out of your vagina or you didn't.  Unless you vanish for like... a year and start living in the woods with animals and bears who adopt you as one of their own and give birth with only the help of your new animal friends out in the wilderness and drop the baby off anonymously at a church or something while wearing a ninja outfit so no one can make out any identifying features... there is no way you could actually say "I am NOT the mother!" and get away with it.  Again, anyone who would do that is worthless imo, but it's the fact that you can... the principle of the whole thing.

Now don't get me wrong, despite all these things at the end of the day I am still glad I'm a woman and wouldn't change that for the world, but you men do have some spiffy perks!